It's common to want something so badly that you push it away. Wanting can become a daily affirmation, affirming the lack of what is wanted. I've seen it a bunch with personal training clients, and I've done it a lot myself. I first stumbled across this idea in one of Neale Donald Walsch's books, I think it was in "The Only Thing That Matters." I've done that odd move a bunch over the years- wanting to quit smoking more than anything, but unable to quit. Wanting to lose weight so badly, but never getting past the first couple of steps. Wanting can become a negative emotion. Wanting something keeps it continually in your future, you have to choose it rather than want it. Like Neville Goddard said, the trick is to "Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled."
If you've never read or listened to Esther Hicks and the the teachings of Abraham, I would highly recommend them. If you're interested in learning how to manifest the life of your dreams you could benefit greatly from the Abraham material. I think Esther is the most important teacher on the planet today. She's all over youtube, but the best intro to her, and her late husband Jerry's work can be found at